HOW?

Kelan ko nalaman na bi ako? Ewan

I went to an all boys Catholic school in the province. Tanungin mo ko kung mabigat ang bangko, pero I have to say, I was with the "IN" crowd - the people you're supposed to be seen with, the "cool" guys, the people secretly admired and wanted to be with and to be like. 

Our group was a big one, we were like 20 guys. It's a mix different personalities. Most of the people in the group were basketball varsity members playing for the school, one was the valedictorian of the batch, the other was the saluto...salutu...basta yung runner up haha., and ako, ako yung ayaw pero gusto ng mga teachers. Malabo no? Ako yung matalinong gago. My teachers then used to get mad at me kasi sinasayang ko daw sarili ko. I remember this one time when my Physics teacher in senior year was so mad at me that I was too lazy, that she made me the representative of our class for the yearly Physics quiz bee, para daw mapilitan mag-aral. The day of the quiz bee came, the other contestants were reviewing their asses off, taking their midnight oil with them to school for overtime, while I was playing fusball with my barkada. At the end of the day, 2nd place. That's me then.

I distinctively remember having a crush on my bestfriend (male) then - very typical. But during that time, I wasn't sure, or maybe I was just denying, that i LIKE him. Most weekends the barkada would go out, rent a villa, have a party, go to concerts, or just tambay on people's houses. We'd often do sleepovers becasue of alcohol and having too much fun together. When we'd sleep, I'd always make it a point to lie beside him.

One time, I just felt this stupid urge to caress him. So I did. I never felt my heart beat so hard and fast. It feels like my heart's trying to escape myself. But, it felt good. Just caressing his arms was. Baduy, pero natulog na ako.

The next time we had a sleepover, I had to caress him again. It was this urge again. But this time, I was aiming another part of himself. Yes, THAT part. This time I thought  to myself "Shit, I AM gay" I didn't do it. It was just too much for me. The thought itself of me being gay was enough to call it a night.